Recovering after a Hard week!!!

Hello to all in J~Land xxx

Well here i am back eventually after My Chaos weekend and week that i have had!!!

I told you in my last entry that i would let you all know how the Memorial went Last Saturday, so here goes......

It was a Beautiful service Held in the Same Room that was where my daughter Laila's Funeral! This i feel was quite comforting!!!

There were so Many parents that Attended, i was shocked the amount of people that was there. The room was over~crowded~ The Service Began and a Lady stood up and told us all of the how the Forget~me~nots First started and it was all because of this Lady's loss of her daughter Grace, she felt the need to fund~raise for the hospital so that there would be a Room for other sad Couples to use through such a sad time of their loss, this happened 11 years ago! So for 11 years she had the support of her family and midwives and the forget~me~not group is still going strong!

There was a Beautiful poem Read and then another Lady got up and spoke of her Loss of her daughter too! These Stories of what happened to them was so sad too! I had many lumps in my throat this day and many little tears too that trickled down my face! I think that day Many,many tears were shed!

Next came the Reverend that call out one at a time everyones babies Names that had been lost and then we all got to light a candle ! This was hard getting up in front of others, but i managed it without floods of tears (funny how we can all control our emotions in such hard circumstances)!

Then after this we had some prayers and then the we had another Poem read ( the forget~me~nots)

They played Lovely music while the candles were being lit ( somewhere over the rainbow) and the (Fields of gold) BY EVA CASSIDY so very very appropiate. These were the songs i played once i lost Laila and deciding on her Music for the Funeral of which, i chose Ribbons in the sky by stevie wonder and then Tears in Heaven By Eric~Clapton and then Somewhere over the Rainbow by Eva~Cassidy!!!

So as you can imagine it was very emotional time for myself while listenning to the same music but somehow it was nice too!!!

We all then left the building to go outside into the grounds where some of the Forget~me~nots Lay and we all placed a Tag on Pink and Blue Balloons with our messages attached for our babies. Then we all released them into the sky A most incredible moment to see so many Balloons in the sky! There were so many people taking photos but unfortunately due to being divvy Lol i do not have any photos to show as i took so long trying to get my camera out of my bag once i got it there was only 2 balloons in the sky !!!

So Next year u will have some to see as im preparing me self and will organised for the event!!!Lol

We then signed a book of memorial and had tea and coffee and then i left to visit my daughters Grave side.

                                

Then i drove home to pick my 2 boys up from their Birthday Party that they had gone to. Of which they thoroughly ENJOYED!!!!

Well i hope you all have had a good week and i will be back again shortly  as my Mum has turned up and i havent seen her for a week and she shouting at me CUPPA TEA !!!

so hugs to all in J~Land

Thanks for all your comments and support!!!!!

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                               KERRYANNE

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WHERE IS EVERYONE THIS WEEK!!!

 

HI EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

    where are you all this week have you gone into hibernation.LOL Your all very Quiet So I expect Busy too!!!!

                                             

Well the Last Few Days have been busy for me too.! Thats an understatement Really as nothing has really got done with me chores! I have been Shopping again, see told you all I LOVE SHOPPING!!! Well Christmas is only round the corner and for me i have to start shopping pretty early so that way i can afford all those presents LOL. I love buying presents!!!                          

I told you all i think that Last Weekend when mandy my sister came over i bought her a present NOTHING MUCH  but it was to show my appreciation for all her help she gave me at the time of Laila coming into the world. She was excellent, Anyhow i was out shopping and came across a keyring in a heart shape and it read across the front Sister. well it had a catch to it and when i openned it ~ it had a place for a picture each side ~ so inside it i put a picture of her niece Laila and on the other a Piece that said thankyou ! Hayley mandys daughter liked it but it was unfortunate that i could not get her one as they did not have Niece on it and nor a plain one, But i have now found something very similar for her and my brother pete . So i just hope they like it .~

Well here is the update on my brothers~nose!!! lol. He came home from Hospital Yesterday Morning after his op ( the operation is to help him breathe better through his nose as he was having a bit of trouble) So it wasnt so he had a Spectacular Looking Boat!! Sorry Pete! I have to Laugh!!!

He is in a lot of pain Bless him and he is coping really well, The hospital gave him pain relief  but today he needed to have something stronger today which his doctor perscribed for him. I visited him last night with my son georgie and my sister mandy and her family were there too. It was sad to see him poorly as such but our nephew Ryan (Mandy's son Kept making us laugh as he is so comical) So poor pete was just laying there while we was all errupting in laughter. I assure you pete we are not wicked really LOL.  But wish you well Real soon and then we can see the new BOAT!!!

Well other than that Not much else to say except tomorrow ill be off to the grave to hopefully put a new plaque up and arrange Lailas Daisy chain!!!!

And then Getting Ready for the Boys to go to a Birthday Party on Saturday and im going to the memorial ( the boys were invited to the memorial but i thought it fair to give them the choice and im sure in childrens eyes  a party is far more exciting than a service, and at the same time they should enjoy thereselves as it hasnt been much fun for them.

BUT BOYS LOOK~OUT HALLOWEEN NEXT WEEK AND WILL WE CELEBRATE IT REAL GOOD ~ X

SO I NEED TO BE OFF TO START MAKING THERE HALLOWEEN CARDS OTHERWISE I WONT GET A CHANCE OVER THE WEEKEND!!!!!

SO BYE TO YOU ALL FOR NOW SPEAK SOON IN A FEW DAYS!!!!!

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Thanks to Roxy for her lovely pics links are on my side bar......

And also to sugar for the lovely memorial picture with my daughters name on and delivery date!!!!

KERRYANNE~                                                                                           

                                                   

THE LONG DAYS

HI AGAIN TO ALL IN J~LAND TODAY HAS BEEN NOT SO BAD ~ A SO SO DAY I SUPPOSE!!!! I TOOK MY BOYS TO THE DENTIST TODAY AND THEY ALL DID GREAT WELL~DONE BOYS ! I WAS REALLY PLEASED WITH THEM AS THEY ALL SIT BACK IN THAT CHAIR AND OPEN THEIR MOUTHS WIDE AND BOBS YOUR UNCLE (THEY ONLY DO IT CAUSE THEY KNOW AT THE END OF IT THEY WILL GET A STICKER LOL) SUPRISING WHAT KIDS WILL DO FOR A REWARD, THEIR LIKE PUPPIES WAITING FOR THEIR TREAT!!! I PROMISED THE BOYS I WOULD TAKE THEM SHOPPING FOR A FEW MORE BITS FOR HALLOWEEN, THESE BOYS LOVE TO SHOP !!! SEE THEY MUST OF INHERITED SOMETHING GOOD OFF THEIR MOTHER!

                                              ! WE LOVE TO SHOP!

SO THEY ALL GOT BITS AND PIECES AND I DID MY BIT (I LOVE A BARGAIN ME) MANDY HOWEVER CANT STAND MY SHOPPING ,CAUSE I CAN GO ON AND ON (SORRY MAND)

WELL I GOT BITS FOR LAILAS SCRAPBOOK THAT I INTEND ON MAKING TO PUT ALL HER TAGS AND PHOTOS IN (IM LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING IT) I ALSO DONE A BIT OF ME SISTERS BIRTHDAY SHOPPING  AND IF YOUR READING MAND IM NOT TELLING YOU WHAT IT IS~LOL

ALSO DONE A BIT OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR MY NIECE AND HAY DONT EVEN ASK ITS A SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                     

WELL THEN WE WENT TO THE FUNERAL DIRECTORS AND HAVE ORDERED A PLAQUE FOR LAILAS GRAVE WHICH WILL BE READY ON FRIDAY FOR PICK UP (AT LEAST HER GRAVE WONT BE BARE) I VISITED LAILA YESTERDAY AND ALL HER FLOWERS ARE STARTING TO DIE AND SHE ONLY HAS A FEW LEFT SO ILL BE GOING TO HER GRAVE ON FRIDAY TO TAKE HER PLAQUE AND DEFINITELY ARRANGE HER FLOWERS BETTER AND PUT HER DAISY CHAIN ROUND HER (THE OTHER DAY IT WAS TOO WINDY AND AS I WAS ON MY OWN, I THOUGHT I CAN JUST SEE ME LOOSING IT IN THE WIND AND CHASING IT AROUND THE CEMETARY (NOW THAT WOULD OF BEEN A SIGHT) LOL !!!!!

WELL I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU ALL THAT MY BROTHER PETE HAS GONE INTO HOSPITAL FOR SURGERY ON HIS NOSE! I DON'T ENVY HIM IN THE SLIGHTEST  BUT I WISH HIM ALL THE BEST WITH HIS OPERATION AND RECOVERY, HE IS A GREAT BROTHER, HE ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH THROUGH HAPPY AND SAD TIMES BLESS HIM HE IS THE BEST TOO!!! All my family are tremendous .xxxx

ANYWAY BACK TO PETE! WHEN HE VISITED THE WEEKEND HE MADE ME TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS NOSE BEFORE AND AFTER AND I TOLD HIM I WOULD BE PUTTING THIS ON ME JOURNAL so here you are pete!!! just for you!!! and when he has recovered i will put another one  here afterwards!                                                                                       

                                                           

WELL I HOPE YOU WILL BE OK FOR SATURDAY PETE!!! CAUSE I MADE A COMPLETE AND UTTER MUCK UP OF LAILAS MEMORIAL DAY AS I TOLD EVERYONE LAST SATURDAY AND IT WASNT !!!!

I KNOW TALK ABOUT FORGET ME NOT I JUST HOPED I SUPPOSE THAT IT WAS LAST SATURDAY , BUT SILLY ME ITS THIS SATURDAY!!!!!!

ITS THE MEMORIAL OF ALL THE FORGET~ME~NOT BABIES IN OUR TOWN AND IN A WAY IM LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING !! ATLEAST LAILA WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN BLESS  HER !!!!

                                                      

                                                      

 

WELL ALL THATS MY ENTRY FOR TONIGHT AND THANKS FOR EVERYONES COMMENTS!!!!!

IM OFF TO BED NOW , I HOPE TO FINNISH MY NEXT POEM THAT I WROTE ABOUT LAILA AND WHEN ITS FINNISHED ILL LET YOU ALL HAVE A READ.

TILL THEN GOODNIGHT AND GODBLESS YOU ALL X X X X X

KERRYANNExxxx

What A Weekend

  

            ***Hi  Everyone***                

How was your Weekend? Good i hope

 

My Weekend has been a Hard one, Especially

 now the children are home with me, as i crave quiet time and me time! This is selfish i know but its so hard to get to grips with NORMALITY back to the trying to get the children back into routines. And the usual household chores, this is where im struggling as i know what im supposed to be doing but dont really want to be doing it so therefore my heart is not in it!!! (This is definitely Selfish and Mean of me but i cant help it)

So my weekend was of constant shouting and moaning and then the frustration was just building and building till i had to let some out (Why cant you lot leave me alone) This was bad but i had no other way of trying to say how im feeling and at home everyone is as though normal and i feel like im walking around waiting for this cloud to dissapear and i know this is going to be ages and i also know i have to try and console myself for my Familys sake BUT GOD THIS IS A HARD TEST FOR ANY WOMAN NOT JUST ME! and a cruel one at that!

Yesterday my brother pete came round and cheered me up a bit, he stayed for dinner and chatted to the boys and we took photos of them together and then out of no-where came a beautiful RAINBOW hooray it had arived outside the back of our house ! We really wanted a Rainbow for Laila on her day but unfortunately it wasnt to be, but anyhow Samuel thought it was GREAT  so we took more photos of the rainbow!

My Sister Mandyalso came round with her Partner Terry (Tinks i call him! this is another story but hey if your reading tinks! have you done your duties lol)

AND ALSO MY WONDERFULNIECE CAME TOO! ~SHE IS SUCH A JOY GOOD COMPANY AND THE BOYS LOVE HER TO BITS , THEY ARE ALWAYS SITTING ON HER AND MESSING AROUND ! YOUR BRILL HAYLEY AND WE ALL LOVE YOU!!!!XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Well they stayed for dinner too and then the kids wentto bed and we hit the computer (well mandy did anyway) She sorted out so much stuff on here i would never of had a clue how to do it me self ~as for trying to find stuff now maybe a different matter but i think i have cracked it lol) But Mandy thankyou so much for all your help and for me tag that i collected my from cherry2sweet2eat~ I only found out about it as i browsed her journal and thought i like the look of that so i put in me order and then an email came through saying you had already ordered one for me (lovely jubbly i thought and it was ready for collection. That was another story trying to save the picture but as you can see cracked that too! HEY NOT BAD AYE BIRD!!! ill never be a computer whizz like you though lol.

Well as you all can see ive changed me border as i thought i needed to add some more pics of my other boys (the crazy two) bless their hearts and the eldest one in the picture asked me to put this one in, so michael ill show you in the morning of tomorrow and see iff  i get a good response  out of him and ill let you all know!!! However Samuel my 3 yr old will think its great anyway as it has his picture on here lol.

So to all in J~Land thanks for all your comments and ill get round to browsing all your journals as soon as i can and ill leave you all a comment!!!

And Mandy just one more thing do you like your dancing flower on my border?!!! oh good as this is the one i pinched off here and was on here all last week without you even realising and GUESS WHAT ? its still here lol and is staying for a while if you dont mind . Lots of love and Hugs to all and have a good week xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And finally Last of all this is for cherry! this young lady is the one who made my picture at the top and i think its lovely and if you go to my side bar her link is there for anyonewhowould loveto view her pics.

 ~chocolate cherried creations2sweet2eat by Diama~

GOODNIGHT ALL AND ILL BE BACK SOON

                       ~YOUR ALL SPECIAL ~

                                  ~People~

                                        XX

 

HERE IS MY APPOLOGY TO CHERRY!!

When i edited her picture here i made a mis~hap some how as to the size it came out  so please except my appologies and now i have mandys expertes with computers i will not edit pictures if i think they have not came out the right size (ill check with me sis mandy first) SO SORRY FOR THE BOO BOO!

blimey did i feel a right wally! lol  xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

WHEN WILL MY DOOM BE GLOOM!!

                          

 

ANOTHER DAY!!!

Im bored im fed up and really peed off!

I had my 2 hours to myself today and i did go and visit laila, this however felt oh so strange !! Nothing to see or hold other than the flowers on her grave! They still look good even after a week! I nearly took off the tags and bows and the labels with her name on as i wanted to bring them home. But i didnt i left them as the time did'nt feel right. I could'nt measure me daisy chain around her grave as the wind was really blowing and i did'nt want to loose any of the daisies off it as it is artificial! So i just stayed a short while and just looked and looked and looked and then i just walked away, something stopped me inside so i walked back and looked again and then i felt the urge i needed to speak to her (i know she cant hear but just incase i had to say goodbye and that i would be back very soon to visit her! And then i walked back to the car ! My chest ached so much, all i wanted to do was bring her home but i know that this pain will never go yet as it is not ready to and it wouldnt of been practical or logical if i had just got her out of there either!   Then i left! At least i got my time to go and visit her which is what i have wanted to do for days but was unable to!

The rest of my day Entailed cooking for the five thousand at lunch time (Bacon Sandwhiches)as ou friend was doing our plastering again (thank god) I cant wait to start decorating we have lived here in our home for 7 and half years and the decorating has never really been done but now im doing it as enough is enough and i want us to have a nice christmas with the living room looking how it should! (im nagging and i know and i dont really care as it has to be said)!!!

So My fireplace is done Hooray!!!! now its the Walls then the painting and the cieling and then bobs your uncle it will be done (i hope i have the energy for this but im going to do my best)

The children have broke up for their half term for halloween! (oh no cant stand it already fighting the bickering and thats mine malarky) LOL they will keep me busy though Bless them

    

OH WELL  its time i was off dinner to cook and have to be out later as the boys have parents evenning at the school!!! BRACE ME SELF !!! lol their good kids really . maybe be back later but bye for now !!! lots of  hugs to you all in J-Land XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

KERRYANNE XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX                                   

ITS BEEN A HARD DAY

  *  WHAT A DAY TODAY HAS BEEN*

I Have had my husbands friend round this morning (that sounds naughty lol) He is a plasterer! We need our walls skimmed and our fire place and floor done, so it was a busy morning. Oh and my son Georgie was off today from school as he still has his cold! We got our floor done and he will be back tomorrow to do the walls!!! Im definitely going out while this is being done!!! So georgie will be going to school! And then i can have 2 hours to myself till my son Samuel has to be picked up from play-school. SO IM OFF TO LAILAS GRAVE (HOORAY)!!! IM SO ESTACTIC JUST TO HAVE 2 HOURS TO MESELF AND IM MAKING THE MOST OF IT AS THE BOYS BREAK UP FROM SCHOOL,! TOMMOROW IS THEIR LAST DAY AND THEIR OFF FOR 10 DAYS (OH NO)!!!

                                            

                                             

This Afternoon I had a telephone call from the Hospital i was under while still pregnant with Laila!!!!

They had taken Blood from me the last day i was there, to test me to see if im a D.N.A. carrier for mytonic dystrophy and myasthenia Gravis these are muscle conditions that can be passed on to your unborn children (only if you are a Carrier) Well they gave me the results of the Mytonic Dystrophy as this was the only test that is back so far and it is NEGATIVE which i am really relieved about as i wouldnt like to think that my daughter suffered because of me and my D>N>A> However these tests they have done, they did'nt seem to think i would have these conditions as my 4 other children are fine all been healthy!!!

So now All i have to do is sit tight to wait for the Next result to come in  and no matter how re-assured i am about the first result the second one i am worried about the same as when i was waiting for the first one!!! But hey its Good News about this one THANK-GOD.

Obviously if i had of been a carrier to either it would affect any subsequent Pregnancys for the future if i was to carry on having any more! WHO KNOWS !!! I dont like to think i wouldnt be able to have anymore children, im the type of person that its my choice (but when its out of my hands i have to obey the RULES LOL)

At Kings they told me that my Daughters Condition that she had Normally Affects 1 in 5,000 Babies and unfortunately she had to be the one who got it, It saddens me enough to think what she had was extremely unfair But to think that i could of passed on a condition that i was not aware of !!! I dont think i could ever forgive myself!!! But we will wait and see for the Next Result!!! Wish me luck and if there is a God out there then Please Please be on my side for a change!!!!

Other than that i mentioned briefly about a crushing feeling across my chest that i have been getting since the loss of Laila, (it felt like a Dull Compression or even strong Indigestion i thought) So this evenning i took myself off to the Doctors and he asked me to fill in a bereavement Questionnaire!!! They were all questions on how iwas coping on a day to day basis and next to the questions were numbers at the end the doctor added up my score and it said for my score i was severly Depressed !! This is what the Crushing pain is Anxiety Anxiousness etc. He then offered me Anti Depressants which i refused because to me i have never taken tablets for the slightest thing Let alone for Depression that is to do with my Grieving (so i told him no thankyou) and that i would get through this my own way!!! I hope i made the right decision (i think so).

Other than this My husband keeps trying to get on the computer and unfortunately it has been taken up by me lol!!! Cause im determined to learn all about this adding my photos to my journal and so far so good im coping lol!!! WITH THE BIG THANKS TO MY BEST SISTER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD MY MANDY!!!! (of course im not grovelling ) lol.

And mandy if your reading my journal is better cause i have not written about Mountain Edna and the Laptop With Frost bite fingers (sorry she will know what im talking about and im sure she will share with you) LOL HOW MANY BROWNIE POINTS DO I

HAVE NOW lol....   MY SISTER      

                                                                 IS THE

                                                                  BEST

                                                       

                                                           AND MY BEST  

                                                                 FRIEND 

                                                                   EVER

                                                                      X

SO TO ALL YOU LOVELY OUT THERE GOODNIGHT  AND HAVE A GOOD DAY TOMMOROW XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

the lovely heart and love pic

is by gillmarie

at coulouring inside the lines.

 

                                         Bye for now xxx KERRYANNE xxx      

MY DAY

Hello Everyone!!!

 

 

Today has been a strange day!!! Well i suppose every day has been since i came home from hospital.

 

My Son Georgie has been home again (no school) as he is poorly with a cold and temprature and sore throat!!! So any plans i have, are on hold till he is well enough!

I had wanted to visit Laila but havent since Saturday this makes me feel really cross and anxious with myself! But if i drag georgie out that is not fair if he feels unwell, so ill have to stay cross till i go! I wanted to check her flowers and take the daisy chain i bought up to her grave as i feel this would be nice for her to have laying around her plot until the ground settles! So ill have to see what tomorrow brings!

Its a strange thing grieving one day to the next is so different!  And im now finding it hard trying to be strong for all my family (even though im not letting on to them) I keep finding things todo so that i can keep my mind busy and doing the normal things we all have to do on a daily basis pay bills and answer the phone (this is hard as people ask oh how are you and i say yeh not bad ) But i dont want to have to talk to them about it!!!

I have even found that all the things i recieved from the hospital for laila all her bits that i took into hospital for me are still in the bag !!! All the lovely pictures that my brother took and mandy and my own pictures i dont even want to look at them or go through her stuff, All the sympathy cards i got they never even had a place in my house as they just all got put in her bag , ive left all my stuff at the other end of the living room ( Am i just trying to ignore all this i dont know) But the only thing i found was listenning to the c.d i made with beautiful tracks on i listenned to that this afternoon and i found my self breaking and then holding it back because of my boys, i didnt want them to see me upset!!!  I have had a constant ache across my chest since i came home without Laila and it eased off for a couple of days and nows it back!!! Is all this normal i dont know!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day !!

I have overloaded my head with all sorts Halloween then its my sister Mandys birthday and then my son Georgies Birthday and then there is Fireworks Night and then Christmas and i seem to of scrambled it all into my head at once !!! Why!!!?

Told you i had a strange day !!! I think maybe a Goodnights sleep will do me some good i hope******

Well its a short one tonight so ill say Goodnight and Godbless and thankyou to those who took the time to leave comments, They are much appreciated! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

KERRYANNE

Thanks to chris at cab creations for this tag