Hi every one
Thought id drop a line and say hi!
I need to get stuff off my chest ! Here we go !
Well the summer hasnt been too bad i suppose! The kids are enjoying there time off school but i think they are now needing to go back to school .lol.
Right here i go.... im due to see my councellor but im going away again this weekend for a week with my family and will have to cancel my appointment, so im going to waffle on here!
Just before the boys broke up for their holidays i found out i was pregnant .... Strangely i showed no emotion to this other than the pure worry of what if it all goes wrong again!
Well i got to 7 weeks and was due to go for a scan on the 18th of july but on the 17th i had a scare, nothing to bad to expect of a miscarriage so thought it would maybe stop!
The day of the 18th i went for my scan and shockingly they could not find anything! oh my god i thought could i of been imagining i was pregnant!
The test showed positive ! My consultant told me i was not imagining it, its just early and sometimes they dont show, plus my ovaries and the womb linning were doing everything they were suppose to be doing for a pregnancy!
So my consultant did another pregnancy test while i was there and sent me for a blood test to measure the level of the pregnancy hormone.
That evenning i waited for the telephone call i didnt know what to think, but knew in my heart this was the start of it to all go wrong!
The telephone rang and i grabbed at it waiting for the voice of a nurse i was gagging to know what was going on!
The nurse told me my pregnancy was positive but the level of hormones was not very high and that i would have to repeat the test in 2 days but i was definitely pregnant! They also told me that if my levels of hormones were to rise but not enough then i would have to prepare myself for the fact it could be an eptopic.
They next few days were stressfull and i started to loose more, so i thought its got to be a miscarriage, so off i went to the hospital again for the blood test and awaited the phone call later that afternoon!
All i kept telling myself that ive probably miscarried by now. All my emotions about it though were so numb, i had visited lailas grave and i felt so guilty because she was not here with us un yet i would be bringing another baby here (that i'd hoped would get here) So everything i felt was real numb (how strange)
Anyway the phone rang and i got news that i was still pregnant but the levels had not risen and suffient amount and that this normally happens when a miscarriage is starting or an eptopic, and that i would have to repeat again another blood test on the tuesday!
so i got through that weekend and then on the monday i had to go into hospital as i felt quite unwell . They did the test again and i was told to go home and rest or i would have to stay in the hospital. So i came home and rested and the next morning i rang the hospital for the results!
To my suprise i was still pregnant! but was told that they would be scanning me on wednesday and that if my loss became painfull i should go to the hospital again!
Now i thought this is an eptopic then! All the worry of loosing one of my tubes i was stressed out me box! But the wednesday came and i was relived to say they found the pregnancy and the sac that it was in but i was miscarrying! Part of me was relived that it wasnt a eptopic as that would of lessened the chance of having or trying for another baby! And at the same time i felt sad, because another one had tried to get here and yet unfortunately didnt!
However i was due to go on holiday with my family and i went and had a lovely time and enjoyed every minute with the boys, they gave me lots of fun and laughter! But the one thing they wanted to do was go swimming and that was a no no cause i wasnt to go on holiday either, but my consultant relented and told me to be careful but no swimming cause of infection and also that if i felt unwell in any way i was to go to the nearest hospital. So sorry boys but were off away on saturday so maybe we can go swimming this time!
As for my emotions they seem to be shattered and im numb from head to foot , Feel as though im on auto pilot doing what i am meant to be doing!Even with laila i feel so numb no emotion what so ever!
The night before last i lay in bed staring at her picture i have with me holding her hoping i would feel something but nothing im emptied out! Why i was overwhelmed with emotion for her i feel cruel to her!!!!
Well my day today has been shopping with the boys for last minute school things and stuff for our holday and then we went on to lailas grave so i could take fresh flowers and give it a tidy for her so that it still looks pretty!
And now im on here but must be off cause i have jobs waiting and the youngest needs to get ready for bed soon.
Hope i havent bored you all ! But i had to get it off me chest!
Well hope everyone is ok ! i think of you all but dont often get on the computer for long to come and browse, but hopefully will when the boys go back to school.
hugs kerryanne x
here ill leave you with a picture of my 3 boys dressed up for the club on holiday!
dont they look funny lol. bless them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9 comments:
Good to hear from you again, Kerry, but I am sorry you were put through the grinder with the pregnancy that came to nothing. Your anxiety is perfectly understandable, and I hope one day it will go through without mishap. Take it easy :-)
Dear Kerry,
I'm so sorry that you are sufferning so much because of your miscarriage. As you said in you entry...at least it has left your tube intact for another time. Just rest up and take it easy. Grieve if you can... I know you are numb at present but that is understandable. You have gone through such a lot of ups and downs with your emotions. its understandable that you are feeling numb for now. That s your mind protecting yourself from your strong emotions. Don't forget that hormones are racing through you too at the moment. They can make you weepy. Please take care and I hope you feel better soon.
((((hugs))))) Jeanie
dear Kerry -- I'm so sorry to hear of your losses, even while you do have happiness with your blessings of your boys. I think that sometimes we "go numb" so to speak, to protect us from all that hurt and emotional pain. I'm with you on the idea of venting and getting it on on these journals (w/out too much personally identifying stuff when public). Know that you're being thought of. -- Robin
Hello Kerry, I'm Cathy from the States, got here via Guido (pharmolo) and so glad I did. First I'd like to say your boys look so adoreable, so much like all little boys showing off for the camera lol! I think that special place in your heart named "Laila" is cause for good, kind, loving memories, just as this last life which wasn't meant to be is. Sacred, precious, and exactly where it's supposed to be, in my opinion. God's way, His Time, His plan. You're very brave, very decent. I applaud your ability to cope with what must seem impossible to even contemplate. As a grandma I know a bit about kids, and my 2 grown babies are a continual amazement to me that they're even here. Bless you xoxo CATHY
http://journals.aol.com/luddie343/DARETOTHINK/
Hi there, came via Guido's journal. I understand your pain...I lost a little girl (still born) at 7 months on February 4, 1968. There's not a February 4th goes by that I don't think of her. I think of her other times too but that day is always the hardest. My husband at the time took advantage of the situation and left, running off with another woman with whom he's been having an affiar. Thank God for my family and my girlfriends who helped me thru that rough time of my life. I remarried and had a son in August 1971, he was just 36 this last Sunday. There's an online support group you may want to check out. I know several of my friends who have suffered losses go to it when they are feeling blue. It's hard for anyone to comfort you unless they have experienced a loss themselves. I just know that my precious little girl is waiting for me in Heaven. I'm A- blood type so have had several other miscarriages but that one in 1968 was the worst and the most heartbreaking. I feel blessed to have had two healthy babies, who are now both adults. Check out this website: http://dailystrength.org/support/Womens_Health/Miscarriage_Stillbirth/?gclid=CJbCuJfT-o0CFQdGYAodtCHALQ What beautiful sons you have...Linda in Washington state
Sending up prayers, for you & family. May God bless.
Hugs,
Sugar
Sending prayers up. Many hugs to you.
Lisa
My prayers are with you, Kerry!! Guido sent me over. Just wanted to let you know that you are fine.... no emotions is OK right now!!
http://journals.aol.com/preciousone25/JoannsWeightLossJourney/
Joann
so where've you been lately, eh? CATHY
http://journsals.aol.com/luddie343/DARETOTHINK/
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